Path to Being Fearless
When I was leaving a team at Sandia National Laboratories, one of my friends and mentors decided to throw me a going away party. Since this was during COVID, it was all virtual. He planned some fun activities and I was grateful for the opportunity to say goodbye to an organization I spent nearly 3 years helping transform.
During our “party”, he posed an interesting question to the group, “Tell me about your best memory of Emily at work.” To be honest, I cringed, laughing nervously to cover my growing apprehension at what my colleagues might say. I wasn’t worried because I didn’t think my co-workers had good memories,but that there were certain people on that call I know I challenged consistently when it came to transforming the organization or their way of working. I also felt it was a vain question, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it, but this mentor never shied away from an uncomfortable moment.
Ultimately, I gained a few valuable insights from this question, but one resonated with particular potency. It was our external coach’s turn to speak. He was one of the ones I had consistently challenged. We still had a lot of respect for each other and our roles, him as an external coach, and me as an internal coach, but our strategies had not always seen eye to eye.
What he said truly surprised me…
“I don’t think I have a specific memory, but I do recall on several occasions, Emily just being fearless. It did not matter the audience or the fallout from her words or actions, if she felt that the course of action was wrong she would say something about it. In several meetings she was a powerhouse in a room full of executives and industry leaders telling THEM how to perform better for their organizations.”
I was stunned. I thought, “Look that is nice and all, but I am literally diagnosed with anxiety. I am far from fearless.” Yet, I find such pride and hope in being called that by a respected peer that promoted healthy challenges regularly.
“Fearless”
I spent nearly a couple months wrestling with this term and this depiction of me at work.
Brene Brown’s words from her first book, “Dare to Lead,” echoed in my mind: “The greatest barrier to courageous leadership is not fear—it’s how we respond to our fear. Our armor—the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that we use to protect ourselves when we aren’t willing and able to rumble with vulnerability.”
Then, Franklin D. Roosevelt, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”
I started to see my anxiety and fears, as less of things that were holding me back and more the shell I used to protect myself from the unknown. The judgements and the potential failures… my insecurities. I began to realize, this could hold me back, but also serve a purpose of righteous self-protection around the legitimate threats of our world.
More and more I started to break down the times I stepped out of my shell at crucial life moments. How I found the ability to break through my fears,. where I got burned, and how I learned how to do better next time. As Brene Brown puts it, I had “learned to rise”, creating my “Path to Being Fearless” from these moments to continue to help myself and others to start to see themselves as Brave leaders.
Path to Being Fearless
1.Start with “Why,” and “Why this moment?”
Why is this a crucial moment to be Fearless? Do you have space to think through and express that conflict in a healthy way?
Try to avoid reacting for the sake of reacting, or reacting out of emotion, instead of a clear understanding of the crucial moment. Also, when you are first starting out as a Fearless leader, a crowded meeting of executives might not be the best place to first test out your skills.
2. Connect to Your Values
Does the opportunity to be brave come from a challenge or a conflict with your true values: compassion, inclusivity, empowerment, honesty, etc?
Sometimes things just “don’t feel right”, and you need to give yourself time to think, dig into that feeling and connect it to something valuable to you that you can express with conviction and understanding.
If I need a moment to listen to what is being said and trying to assess how crucial the moment is to push back I tended to say in that meeting:
“I am not sure about that idea. I need to think through the implications.”
Example:
I have had management attempt to persuade me to shorten two all-day meeting sessions that were crucial for our team’s success in quarterly planning, collaboration, and innovation. That never sat right with me and I was having a hard time expressing my concerns with management so I took a moment and then connect that feeling to my values:
“Taking a normally two day event around collaboration to a one day event degrades my value around compassion for my coworkers. This will cause them a large amount of stress and anxiety, and they will not be able to get all the value out of this event in one day.”
3. Express it.
Show up to the moment, take a deep breath, trust in your values and your why....
Then express it:
“I do not believe taking this event down to one day will make this any easier on our workforce, and will probably cause more churn and stress than alleviate it by taking the day back for their own time.”
4. Open the Space for Feedback.
Then add:
“What do you all think?”
Or even the most daring of questions, “Do you disagree?”
I try to always invite people back in times of conflict and healthy challenge. It takes strength, but inviting people back into that moment with you, honestly, shows more courage and earns more respect than just speaking your mind and leaving it hanging in the air for thought.
5. Accept Risk.
When I took the workshop with Brene Brown’s group around her book “Dare to Lead”, there were a lot of questions from the audience about the risks of being a daring leader. “What if my manager does not want to hear my opinions?” or “What if I get consequences when I fight against my leadership?” or “What if my job becomes in danger?”
The facilitator said to them, “Courage is not without risk. You will get burned if you dare greatly.” I have been burned several times in my career. Fortunately, I was able to learn from the backlash. I learned how to approach crucial conversations differently, or better align my reasonings to my values. Some retributions were not deserved and told me exactly the type of workplace I was at, which ultimately led to my decisions to leave or phase out my involvement with certain organizations.
Risk is a fact of daring greatly and being fearless.
6. Have a Mantra
In moments of struggle, when I am having a hard time finding the courage to stand up for myself or others, I go back to my mantras around courageous leadership:
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”
“If you do not say something, no one will.”
And now: “I am Fearless”
Meaningful quotes or “I am” statements are particularly powerful in inspiring action within yourself and others..
7. Remember to Breathe.
This is my largest struggle, but remember you cannot voice an opinion or stance without first being able to breathe. Start with a deep breath, take regular breaks to breath, and end with a breath. Your body will thank you.
8. Lead Without Authority.
Start from a place of vulnerability and compassion, not a place of authority, even if you have it. Healthy challenge and conflict does not come from a place of power or intimidation. It comes from a place of mutual trust and understanding. I plan on creating a post on this one principle because it is so critical to crucial conversations, but here is one example of leading without authority:
As a team lead, I once had to facilitate a particularly difficult conversation around another team lead that was also my friend. I started the meeting by, what I call, “taking off the hat.” Whenever you play a role in life you wear a hat that signals to everyone else your status with another person or group: “Acquaintance,” “Mom,” “Friend,” etc. We do the same at work: “Boss,” “Colleague,” “Intern.” These roles typically influence everyone’s understanding of your realm of authority in an organization.
So, as a “Team Lead” and “Friend of Coworker” I took off those hats, “Hey guys, I first want to start out by saying that in this meeting, I will not be acting as the team lead and you all are welcome to speak as openingly as you feel comfortable. I know that can be difficult as this co-worker is a good friend of mine, but I am going to try to leave that bias at the door. If I falter please let me know. I am only here to help facilitate and get us to the next steps.”
9. Flex Those Muscles and You Will Get Stronger
Finally, Rome was not built in a day, and neither will your capacity to be courageous overnight. It takes time, and trial and error to work through these concepts and your own fears before you’re able to stand in front of your C-Suite and tell them what is truly amiss in their organization.
Start with a trusted colleague by stating, “Hey, I really need to work something through with you, do you mind if we chat about something I would like to raise to management?” Move to more 1:1 conversations and invite more feedback into your ability to have crucial conversations. Start to probe into the tolerance for these conversations in your organization to see if the culture matches the level of vulnerability and trust you would like to have.
Keep flexing. Keep growing. Keep being courageous. And keep looping back to your personal values. The more you practice, the more you might fall, but the stronger you will show up to these crucial moments.
Then one day, you will be sitting in a good-bye party stunned when someone has the gaul to call you, “Fearless.” And, unlike me, you will nod your head and believe them.
