The Tango: Culture
Coaching and consulting in general, no matter your school of thought, has many of the same pitfalls that come with any relationship building activity. However, with these types of contracts and general employment, there is a limited timeline for a relationship to be fostered and matured, so that it may be extended if doing so benefits both parties involved. Ultimately, coaches, consultants, and employees are replaceable, but it is important to keep in mind that your particular set of skills, values, and perspectives are not. Relationships between client and coach, whether internal or external, can feel like a complex tango. One which requires a balance between building a trusting, profitable relationship with being honest about the problems you see in the organization and its culture.
The two important questions to keep in mind as a coach or change agent in your organization are:
How do I know if I am getting into a cycle called, “The Tango: Culture?”
&
How do I build a strong, trusting relationship without caving to structural and operational norms?
What is The Tango: Culture?
As a musical theater buff, “The Tango: Maureen” was one of my favorite songs in the rock opera Rent. For those not as in tune with their inner drama geek, the premise of the song is that Maureen is a typical narcissist that has seduced Joanne into a manipulative cycle of love-bombing and infidelity, consistently demonstrating a lack of communication or care for their relationship. During the song and dance number, Mark starts to show Joanne the faults and issues in Maureen’s behavior. Mark draws parallels to his own relationship with Maureen by telling Joanne of the unhealthy patterns that also occurred when Mark and Maureen were dating. He also empathizes with the fact that the lies and constant churn in the relationship has left Joanne feeling unsteady, yet still drawn to the power that is Maureen.
Why I chose this song to articulate my point is it reminds me a lot of a coach coming into an organization, idolizing the type of relationship they could have with this client. Then they slowly start to realize that there are toxic and manipulative behaviors occurring in the culture that impedes the coach in their transformation efforts. From personal experience, this can cause a mixture of drives between being the one coach to save the organization and a fear of repercussions from butting heads with a culture that does not feel the need for change. I have even had experiences going into an organization where previous change agents, much like Mark in Rent, have sat with me to break down all the toxic behaviors in the organization, and why they eventually just gave up on trying to lead change.
How do you know if the culture is prone to the Tango?
When entering an organization, one of the reasons the first job of a coach is to listen and observe, is to figure out what type of culture they are dealing with. Tango culture comes out a lot in the things people say, but more often in what people do not say. Tango culture is baselined in manipulation, narcissism, and attempts to limit visibility so that both the employees and yourself are left in a state of unease about the power of knowledge and creates doubt in your own instincts.
Some key phrases to look out for:
Does this organization say “Opportunities” when they mean “Problem, risks, issues, etc?”
Does this organization have “After-Meeting” meetings, where the higher-ups talk about how they really felt about the previous meeting?
Does this organization put lots of emphasis on “messaging?”
Do certain individuals flip-flop in discussions: say one thing in a meeting then turn around and say the exact opposite in another?
Is it difficult to be invited to key organizational meetings?
Is it difficult to get access to tools and systems to track and monitor progress?
Do you find yourself identifying cliques of individuals, especially ones centered around certain leaders?
Every culture will have aspects of all of these traits, but when it starts to cause unease or difficulty for those around the tactical side of the business, that is when you know you are in a toxic Tango culture.
Why does Tango Culture develop?
Much like relationships, there can be lots of reasons for toxic cultures to develop, and sometimes a lack of knowledge from those who have been there the longest of how the toxicity began. “We have always done it this way” is a rampant phrase you hear again and again in these types of institutions.
However, from my experience, toxic culture develops from two ingrained beliefs:
“We do not trust big changes will help us be more successful.”
&
“We need control in our execution and strategy to be successful.”
These beliefs may not be clear right off the bat, but both of these beliefs come out in the behaviors above and a sense of fear around giving trust and control to both internal and external change agents.
How to Build Relationships in a Tango Culture Without Compromising Integrity
Observe and Question
Once you have listened to what is and isn’t being said in an organization, the question you want to answer is: “Do the key players in the organization seem to want to change in a way that moves them closer to their organizational goals?” If yes, then great! Move on to the next step!
If not, then make a list of the individuals that do seem to want change, and a list of those that do not. Do a quick Empathy Map, and work out what is driving each group towards or against change. Are there Tango behaviors focal to Trust or Control, or Both? In what ways does it show?
These questions will start to help you understand techniques for gaining trust and building a relationship around the organization's values and concerns. It will also give you the space to think frankly about how much an individual’s support or resistance would mean for this organization’s transformation. You then start to build your team of allies and points of opposition to strategize how to move forward as a coach.
Find the Sour Spots of a Transformation
In a previous ICON Agility Services sponsored article entitled, “Getting Unstuck in Your Transformation”, I referenced something I call “Sour Spots” within an Transformation. Sour Spots in a Transformation are foundational steps that were either missed, skipped, thought too risky, or difficult at the beginning or mid-transformation that has allowed dysfunction to fester. Sour Spots are people, processes, products, technologies, and culture that will take more time, energy, and careful conversations to resolve or create discussion around.
For individuals or organizations that are not open to change, these sour spots can be chasms for conversation, and trying to dig into them can lead to conflict in the relationship and trust-building process. Your first step is to find these sour spots and create a culture of empathy around them, instead of trying to tear them apart from the start. After establishing a culture of empathy, work with those leaders who are open to change on creating a dialogue around institutional sour spots before addressing it with other leaders or teams.
Focus on your Personal Values, Weaknesses, and Strengths
Early on in your coaching engagement, I highly suggest talking to your key allies and discussing your coaching values, weaknesses, and strengths in an open and honest manner. Much like on a first date, you want to know if your overall goals and values are similar to a person you wish to spend your time with. One of my favorite questions to ask and answer is: “What is your Coaching Philosophy?”, which can distill a person’s values, weaknesses, and strengths.
For instance, I value transparency, experimentation, and work/life balance. This means that if a culture has a lot of control concerns about messaging, is very risk avoidant around trying new things, or has a culture that values individuals working overtime and not taking time for breaks during the day, we are probably not going to be the best fit together. Not to say that it could never work, but we would have to have a conversation around how their organizational culture is not in line with my values. Then, we can either work to get on the same page, or expectations need to be clarified around my values and their behaviors/organizational culture..
In terms of strengths and weaknesses, also be aware of and discuss your own and how it might affect the relationship you’re cultivating. Think about what strengths you have that will build trust and what weaknesses you have that will lose trust. For example, one of my strengths is being able to empathize with the people I am working with and express that empathy which builds trust in others by feeling heard. One of my weaknesses, however, is that I can get blinded by my own opinions on what I believe is a priority for the organization. Which can erode trust by devaluing the other change agent’s priorities and concerns.
Tailor Your Coaching Stance to the Level of Trust You Have Gained
The example below is one of the industry standards, but feel free to use whatever matrix you would like. Not only does this coaching stance matrix define itself by the level of responsibility for client result vs. client growth, but it also corresponds with the level of trust the organization or change agents need to have in you before taking that coaching stance.
Reflective Observer takes very little trust to take as a stance, but it also gains less trust in the process. As you slowly move to the right on the matrix you are gaining more trust, but also leading more directly. This can cause a loss of trust if you advise someone in a direction that ends up getting them burned by peers or doing hands-on work that does not reflect the messaging of the company. I suggest starting at the lower parts of the matrix and branching out to the right to one or two steps along with that list of trusted change agents to see if your message or information is well received.
Document the process for each step and how it was received, do you feel like you are ready to try another stance with this organization or individual? What trust-building do you believe is necessary to go to the next step? What does your stance evolution look like with this client?
I have had consultants in the past lament about not wanting to teach a training or complain about how much they do not like building content. I understand their resistance but emphasize to them that in order to coach sometimes you have to build their trust in your abilities through teaching first. Teaching and energizing people about change through content can be one of the most powerful tools to get deep into organizational dysfunction and gain buy-in from individuals who want to make change happen.
How to Know When It’s Time to Transition
Regardless of your techniques, change is followed quickly by fear, resistance, and pain. This is unavoidable and it would be doing a disservice to your values and change agent career to buckle to every organization or think that every organization needs to work for your particular set of skills, styles, and values.
I believe that nearly every change agent wants to be the hero of the story. We go into this very complex space of business to help people, create transparency, move the mountains of traditional business, and dismantle the cultural woes that still plague our management of people. At some point though, there has to be an understanding that transition is inevitable, and creating sustainable change, even if it isn't everything you ever wanted, must be prioritized.
For me, knowing when it is time to transition comes down to: “How do I believe this transformation is impacting my integrity as a coach?” The Tango Culture can be riddled with misinformation, manipulation, and a slow breakdown of personal strength and integrity. Much like a toxic relationship, you start to question your abilities and values which can feel very disheartening and personal.
Transitioning out of non-Tango Culture reads like:
“This transformation is impacting my integrity as a coach because I feel I have worked myself out of a job in this organization and can leave knowing that the work of transformation will continue.”
Transitioning out of a Tango Culture reads like:
“This transformation is impacting my integrity as a coach because I am being consistently asked to do tasks and engage in behaviors outside of my values and/or have been unable to gain trust or dismantle the need for control in this organization. I no longer feel I am connected to my values and am questioning my abilities.”
It is an important step in every employee and coach’s life to identify when transition is warranted and be able to make the steps necessary to transition in a healthy way. All pride aside, whether in Tango or non-Tango Culture, all jobs will end and it is your responsibility to set yourself and your organization up for success without compromising your integrity and values.
Or else, you “Dance a Tango to Hell!”
